"Your happiness and success lie in you...Resolve to be happy, and your joy and resolve shall form an invicible host against difficulties."
The last few days have been filled with many ups and downs which resulted to a suffocation in me last night. The inability to cry it out made it worst only leading to more sleepless and restless nights. Of course period pain did not help much either.
Talking to AJ and Li-Ann helped tremendously as I told them my decision and rationalised with them many could be situations. You know what? All this while I felt guilty thinking, how could I possibly be so selfish......but last night AJ out of the blue said after a period of silence, saying actually the person that is being selfish is not me but him. And that is probably why is hurts so much. Cos he is being selfish. On the other hand, I understand. Really do. And perhaps I know now is not the right time. Actually I am not keen to figure out who is at fault. Just want to ensure there is as little hurt as possible now. To be fair, Li-Ann said he's not selfish, just needs time. Hence not crucial to dwell on finger pointing, at least not for the next 2 months.
Mentioned to Li-Ann that perhaps if there is one person that needs to cry then it better be me now and let it be.
I have never been very good at drawing lines be it in the natural or in the emotional sense. Woke up this morning with such a huge burden over me. I think taking everything into consideration, I will try my best to be there for the people that matter to me. And at the same time, let go of any hope of anything more.
God, give me strength. It's going to be tough the next few months. Sustain me and for whatever it's worth, sustain him. Guard our friendship. Let me be the best friend you can allow me to be.
There is going to be many changes in our lives, pray that our friendship will more than survive it but compliment it.
Pray that I will do as Helen Keller says. Tomorrow is going to be a better day.
"I am happy because I think I am." Alain-Rene Lesage
Wishing you were here to hug me and tell me everything will be ok.
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