Slight Dilemma

short hair with fringe?

longer hair but with no fringe?

short hair with fringe?

Hmmm....my sis just returned from London for good!!!! Can you believe it? A year has gone by and the girl is finally home.

Anyway, there is a cut hair session for her on Saturday. And here I am, stressed as usual, and facing the temptation to snip my hair off. The recent months that have passed, I have requested opinions from people, from my petbros to colleagues to friends. Petbros say "Don't cut. Long hair nicer". Then it slid down to to "Ok la...if you want to cut", which I know means a NO la. Then colleague said I look more like a woman with long hair. More feminine whilst my short hair makes me look too cute and like a kiddo. Totally unprofessional. The 2nd last time I was at the hairdresser, I asked the hairstylist to cut fringe for me and she refused. (Yes, my hairdresser has this tendency to refuse me. Sigh). And then solemnly said to me that I need to look older lest I attract younger men. I obliged.

So here I am sitting down typing and toying with the idea. Should I cut fringe or not? I dare not even ask whether I should cut my hair short? Please comment. And let's see what the people have to say. I have not made up my mind.

Is life as it should be?

Just came back from milkshake session with my good friend. As I was driving toward the cafe, I was half thinking what our conversation would be. Anyhow after ordering my banana milkshake (which is incidentally half of a favourite since I like chocolate banana shakes better), we just chatted and chatted.

Guess many things are presently "wrong" in our lives, especially in my friend's life. To summarise the many "wrongs" would be as follows :-
(a) Not being able to be together with the man she loves as he is of another race. Major mum objection from his side. Not hers. Total bummer cos hey, how often do we find someone we love and who loves us back, right?
(b) Being stuck in a job she completely dislikes and would rather do something more bazaar and entertaining for a living.
(c) Having to study for exams but nothing seems to be going in. (bet my youths can identify with this).

I'm sure there is more shit but I think this pretty much sums the significant ones.

Surprisingly, another friend of mine in the early evening messaged me about how angry he is with the day. Everything apparently went wrong. This "wrong" word seems to be creeping up too often. And how he feels like strangling someone and chewing someone's head off. Hahaahahaha.......hilarious really!!!! Ok .....ok....in his moment of anger, I shall contain myself. He was angry at everything really. Photostat shop, lunch food stunk, people, etc. I told him to take a warm shower then got a reply that there was no hot water. I was like "huh, mai ah ma".

And then just before I was to leave for yum cha, another friend messaged me saying that how it still hurts "breaking up". Not sure how one breaks up when one is supposedly not together unless one is lying. Hmmmm....Food for thought.

Then there is the ever faithful complainer of the "I hate my job". The complaints are daily and never vary. Boredom to the person listening to them. But this is only shows that my friend seriously needs to go job hunting before her own voice kills her =P

And we have not counted the so called "wrongs" in my life.

So here I am seated in front of the laptop, thinking ...... "God, are You there?". Tonight probably a billion girls are asking you why they cant be with the love of their lives or why they have not met the love of their lives? And probably some praying earnestly for breakthroughs in their finance or studies or work or some other area in their life?

I know deep down inside me that it could be a whole lot worst for people so I am not going to be stupid and ask whether things could be worse cos I know it can.

Today, I read Proverbs 16 which speaks about dependence on God and believing that He is truly sovereign. Also read about how God allows evil to happen (though it is not from Him) but He makes it work for our good at the end of day.

God, I trust You are sovereign. I bring my friends and myself before You. God, you know the heartaches. You know the secret hurts. The times when crying just doesnt help. The moments when releasing anger just doesn't do justice. Lord, I ask for Your favor, for Your divine intervention for breakthroughs in the different people in the different areas. I ask for Your protection over us. Pray that Your angels will watch over us. In Your precious name. Amen.

P/S: Love you lots.

Been wondering.....is life as it should be? Or is there more than this?

Music Taggy

The requirements:1. Put your music player on shuffle
2. Press forward for each question
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question (but it seems you can insert lyrics from the song if you want lah... in addition to the title...so if it's suitable, just go ahead lah)
4. NO CHEATING!!!

(1) How am I feeling today?
Best I ever had (by Vertical Horizon)

This is so not true. It has been filled with so much mixed feelings.

(2) Where will I get married?
Spice up your life (by Spice Girls)

Haahahaaa.....Guess it'll definitely be some place I will have a blast. Hey, after all I am getting married, right? So it's should be a super hyper day.

(3) What is my best friend's theme song?
Hero (by Mariah Carey)

Actually I have many best friends so this is truly difficult to answer. I think it's a superb song. And believe it should be in everyone's theme song list.

(4) What was high school like?
Hey Ya (by Outkast)

Hmmmm....No comments.

(5) What is the best thing about me?
Fallin' (by Alicia Keys)

Does this mean that no matter what shit is thrown my way, I keep on fallin' ie keep on loving. Hmmmm....scary.....

(6) How is today going to be?
I'll never break your heart (by Backstreet Boys)

So so true.....the song lyrics is about a guy who promises never to break the girl's heart. She has difficulty to love again cos she has been badly hurt before. My reason for being emo'ing.

(7) What is in store for this weekend? (Does this count since the weekend is almost up?)
Survivor (by Destiny's Child)

Well technically it is true. I was thinking how I was going to survive this weekend. There were some crucial decisions I had to make this weekend and was asking God for His wisdom to make them.

(8) What song describes my parents?
Searching My Soul (by Vonda Shepherd)

Well I think my parents are people who know their mind but I suppose in some ways, they have always been from time to time struggled to understand me hence searching my soul. Not so much theirs.

(9) How is my life going?
Don't Know Why (by Norah Jones)

Hmmmmm.....perhaps......

(10) What song will they play at my funeral?
When Will I See You Again (by Brother Beyond)

=) See you in heaven k. And no, you don't have to wait forever.

(11) How does the world see me?
Because of You (by Kelly Clarkson)

I perceived this song as one sung from a woman who tries to be strong despite circumstances in her life. I am not the strongest person (emotionally, physically and mentally) but I do try my best.

(12) What do my friends really think of me?
My Favourite Things (by Julie Andrews in Sound of Music)

I hope I am one of their favourite things.......or rather favourite friends. Paraphrasing the song, when they think of me, they won't feel so bad.

(13) Do people secretly lust after me?
The One (by Mariah Carey)

No comments.

(14) How can I make myself happy?
Sweet Home Alabama (by Counting Crows)

=)

(15) What should I do with my life?
Everytime I Close My Eyes (by Babyface)

To try again?

(16) Will I ever have children?
The Actor (by Michael Learns To Rock)

Doesnt make any sense.

(17) What is some good advice?
Somewhere Somehow (by Wet Wet Wet)

Perhaps.

(18) What do I think my current theme song is?
I Need A Girl (by P. Diddy featuring Usher & Loon)

Well, it seems I've been bugged about this quite often recently. Ok....ok....I will consider. The song talks about how he needs a girl to be his wife. Ironic that in 365, we were discussing about BGR. And how we should date with marriage in mind. Guess if there is potential husband material, there should be no reason for me to turn him down, right?

(19) What does everyone think of my current life?
Because Of You (by Kelly Clarkson)

Strange.....I am at a song that has already been heard. Same as Q(11). Hmmm......

(20) What type of style of men do I like?
One Love (by Blue)

Precisely.

(21) Will I get married?
Stuck (by Stacie Orico)

Hmmmm...2 ways of looking at this.....(1) I am stuck for an answer to that question, or (2) I am stuck as in stuck at this juncture of my life.

(22) What should I do with my love life?
All Out Of Love (Air Supply)

Don't tell me I need to tell him......

(23) Where will I live?
Did You Ever Love Somebody (by Jessica Simpson)

Please pray tell me that I will not continue to live in the past.

(24) What will my dying words be?
Always (by Atlantic Star)

Always love you.....

(25) When I'm having sex, I say....
Swear it again (by Westlife)

It speaks for itself....

I wanna know
Who ever told you I was letting go
Of the only joy that I have ever known
Girl, they're lying
Just look around
And all of the people that we used to know
Have just given up, they wanna let it go
But we're still trying
So you should know this love we share was never made to die
I'm glad we're on this one way street just you and I Just you and I

Chorus: I
'm never gonna say goodbye
Cos I never wanna see you cry
I swore to you my love would remain
And I swear it all over again and I
I'm never gonna treat you bad
Cos I never wanna see you sad
I swore to share your joy and your pain
And I swear it all over again
All over again

Some people say
That everything has got its place in time
Even the day must give way to the night
But I'm not buying
Cos in your eyes I see a love that burns eternally
And if you see how beautiful you are to me
You'll know I'm not lying
Sure there'll be times we wanna say goodbye
But even if we try
There are some things in this life won't be denied
Won't be denied

The more I know of you is the more I know I love you
And the more that I'm sure I want you forever and ever more
The more that you love me, the more that I know
Oh that I'm never gonna let you go
Gotta let you know that I

(26) When I meet a guy/ girl for the first time, I say....
Shape of My Heart (by Backstreet Boys)

Nope, totally out.

(27) When my parents are angry, I say....
Born to make you happy (by Britney Spears)

Hahahaha......although she didn't sing it in this context. Guess if we take it literally then ok la.

Well hope you had fun reading.

the anxiety is getting to me....

Have you ever felt afraid of making the wrong move? And when you finally decide to risk it and tell God that it's entirely up to Him, He actually grants you favor and opens the door? And when you're in the midst of being estatic.....you await for the plan to unfold, you realise that you're as scared as ever? And worried that your heart will be sorely disappointed? Then you tell yourself it's all going to be ok. But deep, deep down....you still worry.

God, I am worried. That is probably an understatement. Someone once mentioned (cant recall who though) that ever since that incident, I have not been able to receive love easily. Love of any form actually. Is that true? That I don't allow people to take care of me (or at least to a very large extent) because I fear I will be deemed weak or dependant on another or worst that I am vying for someone's attention.

But now this very minute. I commit everything into Your hands. God, You know the anxieties of my heart and You know my going in and going out. I ask for Your best. Help me trust in You. God, You are sovereign over all things. Including my life.

In Your Precious Name.

Amen.

Extraordinary Coincidences

I have always been a thoughtful person. As in I am constantly thinking about many matters. I was reading earlier and came across this statement. Found it profound of our lives on earth.

"When the dance of life confounds us and we're uncertain about the next step, we can pause and remember that the chereography of our existence is divine and purposeful."

God is sovereign over all things. He is sovereign over your life and mine.

Dedicated to my youths, may you always remember that your life is carefully thought of.

Jeremiah 29v11 says, " For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope".

Love you, God. Muaks.

Mudd's 51st Bday

Went to Las Caretas and celebrated Mudd's 51st Birthday. The actual day was yesterday but we went back to Popo's house to makan so tonight decided to do it together, just the 3 of us. So funny. When we arrived at the restaurant, the waiter asked us how many persons, dad actually said 4. I had to tell dad that Jo is still in the UK.

I wanted to eat my usual meal which is fish. Mind you, this is only my 2nd time in this place. I don't frequent this joint. Very expensive. And prefer Fridays anytime. Anyway, my parents insisted I need to eat ribs/ steak. Cos I NEVER eat those. Truth being told cos I hate it when it's not tender and it is difficult to swallow so never bothered to venture into it. So tonight was the first time I allowed someone else to order my own food. We're not couunting the times when I was little k.

Anyway, what can I say? My mum is simply a superwoman. She is one of the most capable persons I have ever met in my life. She's a real rock in this family. And thank God for her. Sometimes dad can be a real guy and it's nice to mum being sweet about stuff.

I am grateful mum survived cancer and is alive. You know....she only told Jo and me she was going to surgery the night before the surgery. We never suspected anything. She didn't want us to worry. And she didn't even allow us to be at the hospital during that time. She said she didn't want our routine to be disrupted. Mum is super sacrificial. Still remember when she was in the hospital, dad told us actually mum isn't upset about anything other than the fact that she wants to see us grow up , get married and have kids. Can I say that because of this I want to make sure I marry well?

I once dated a guy that my mum really didn't like and my life nearly ruined because of him. It brought so much pain to her, more than anyone else. Want to make her proud.

To all my youths....today you think you cant' stand the shit you're parents put you through. Trust me, nothing can replace family. Definitely not your friends. Treasure them while they're alive so when they're gone, you will not regret.

To my mummy, for all that you have done and are to me. Thanks for loving me. Hugs.

P/S: people say I look like my mum. Dad says I act like my mum. I say no comments =P

Runaway Bride

I have always viewed my relationship with Christ as one with her best friend. At times, it is as one with her father. Whenever I have to imagine myself with Him, it will always be me at the swing in the park, chattering/ crying my heart out.

The last few weeks have been very rough inside. And I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet. Of course, He continues to speak to me in many ways although I cannot always fathom His ways and thoughts.

A few days ago, I had the sense of hopelessness and wanting to walk away from the people and things that I have worked almost half my life for. When He gently told me this and as He is telling me again a few seconds ago when the same hopelessness swept over me.

I have always been fascinated with older couples who have been able to be loyal and faithful to each other. People who started right and have purposed in their hearts to end well together. And it is true that in the Bible, the church is said to be His Bride. And we as individuals as well.

He said to me that we're in this together. And though many emotions may run through me, we have committed to be in this together. I have committed to be in this. And for that, I should stay if not for anything else.

Strange isn't it? Love is a state many crave to be in and yet we often times forget that it entails many things, both the good and the bad. One of the things that crossed my mind is marriage. I must not compromise. Must not succumb to peer pressure (more like youth pressure). Must not lose focus on what needs to be done. Must not forget to trust Him. The One who holds all things in its place.

So for the first time in my life, I see myself as His Bride. That I took that step of faith and committed to this. And I should try very hard to honor my word. I can only hope and pray I can.

Stress Management

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water? " Answers called out ranged from 8oz. to 20oz. The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, 'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes. He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on." "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!"

This reminds you that even for super-achievers, you get more out of life when you learn to balance it. So as you are gearing up for your achievements for this Fall season, never forget to step back, take a deep breath and relax a bit. Leave the stress behind, and the next day you will move even further ahead because you have conquered stress, rather than letting it conquer you.....

Strange isn't it how the simple things in life can seem so profound at the moments you need to hear it most. Guess I need to read this but will I be able to achieve that balance in life is a whole different story.

Yoyo's graduation

PREVIEW OF THE GRAD

Before: Josh & me

The Pillar

Benefits of Food Grabbing

With the man of the day

Arrived home at 6 pm. I told myself that I needed to start getting ready by 6:45pm. Put on my contacts and started tearing drastically. Inside me, I feared I had to wear my specs with my dress. Technically there is nothing wrong but wanted to go without specs ma. Anyway, so left the inserting of eyeballs mission aside and went to take a shower. While showering, the following thoughts went through my medium sized brain :-
(a) Should I tie my hair into half if I wore specs or should I wear my beaded hairclips? Or leave the hair alone?
(b) Should I change my decided dress to something else?
(c) Should I eat panadol as I was having a headache?
(d) If I chose to wear the dress, should I wear the sweater or use a shawl? Or would that be overdoing it?
(e) Wonder why I could not wear the contact lenses without tearing. Hmmmm....
(f) Which pair of shoes should I use?
(g) Whether I would be zonked out today at work after last night's excitement?

After the shower and brain exercise, I changed to the original decided dress and then attempted to wear my contact lenses. I was tearing again but decided to tough it out and let myself cry cos of the sting in my eyes. Damn it, my brother was graduating, heck it if I have to tear for almost 20 minutes with the sting!

Finally I was ready to go after sobbing for awhile. Went down to the kitchen and my dad took one look at me and asked me why I was crying. Told him why and he rolled his eyes and glared at me. I said this is important. I had to do it. He said I should just wear my specs. Obviously I didn't listen.

Anyways, I went to pick Josh and we talked about numerous stuff in the car. With Joshy, my life will never be in boredom.

We saw Yoyo and hugged him then Joshy went all out for THE MISSION - THE FOOD GRABBING MISSION. If not for the fact that I knew with much certainty that I would never see any of these people again, I would have never ever sinked to that level of food grabbing. Josh held my hand and led me through the swamp of people, tall people. Could barely breathe. I was thinking, if someone farts, that's it, I will die. There. In the midst of people and no one would know. We got to the first food table we saw and Joshy grabbed two plates and I took one. He gave instructions to fill up the plates. We had to feed our entire family (excluding Yoyo) and Meng Hong. I was ok....ok....need to concentrate. When we filled the plates, we had another task of getting away from the crowd and finding a safe spot to stand to eat. Joshy found a corner and we used the sides of the pillar as our table. When we reached the other end of the hall, we realised that there more food tables there and not many were there. People were just crowding around the first food table. Idiots!!!! We're idiots!!! Lesson to learn.....the first thing/ person you see/ meet is not necessary the only one so exploration might be good.

By the time Kenneth, Min Ser and Meng Hong reached Joshy and mua, they were astonished at the food we collected. Kenneth is used to Joshy's ways but Min Ser looked amused. We were just chatting when Yoyo finally came and we took the official family pics and individual pics. It was truly great. I was thrilled.

Many wonder why I am so estatic. I've been friends with Yoyo since he was in school. That is a good 8 years, more or less. Imagine the amount of chocolate and shit we have been through together as friends. Guess the last few days I've been reminded (happily, mind you) of the chocolates and shits my brothers and I have been through together as family and individually.

Anyway, I went home completely zonked out but completely happy.

Random Thoughts of My Day

About a trillion tiny thoughts went through my mind throughout the day. I am sitting here with my heart beating so fast. Why? Am I in LOVE? Actually no. Is there something wrong? No. But I am excited. Tomorrow night Yoyo is graduating. I mean, it's a really a WOW. Been thru shit with the boy. Shucks....Did I use the word SHIT again? The other day I was telling Kenneth that the head of 365 uses the word SHIT alot and should cut down. I will...eventually when I find another word to replace the expression =P

Anyway, today has been a busy brain day. Work was actually ok. Basically the whole busy clearing my inbox whilst trying to think of what to buy for Yoyo. Anyway, Ali, Bel and myself went to One Utama for lunch cos I needed to scout for Yoyo's grad present. I thought long and hard and finally decided that this was something I would want him to have. I pray he likes it or at least pretends to like it. Was half afraid I would get skinned by Kenneth but figured I would risk it anyway. It also crossed my mind that this family might just die without me. For a brief moment, I was abit bitter why am I always the one running around organising everything, making sure everything is in tact? Not only with the family but practically everywhere? But with regards to the family, I figured I am the only girl so it only seemed appropriate. The rest, chose not to think lest more issues emerge.

Then there was the issue of what to wear for the graduation. The boys were wearing red and anyone who knows me knows I don't wear red. Was thinking of black but my friend said some people pantang and I don't have any intention of making any aunties mad. Thought of going completely black and get a red choker to spice it up but that went out the window. Then thought of wearing a lacey green top and jeans but striked out by mum. Called Kenneth to confirm the colour his wearing and was informed he's wearing blue. I was estatic. Finally another colour to choose my clothes from. Frantically went through my wardrobe again and realised I have no proper blue stuff. So felt like saying the current favourite word.

Then called Joshy for inspiration. We basically yakked about miscellaneous topics such as should I date a guy whom I cannot kiss or do I write him off immediately, how do we tell people with BO or bad breath that they have BO or bad breath? What we would name our kids, how I cannot date a guy that is too tall nor a short ah moh guy, and how a particular someone we know talks too much =P, whether we should eat dinner or not before Yoyo's grad since we only need to be there around 8 plus. Decided must eat lest die of starvation.

Also thinking I need to lose weight. Though half my problem is not FAT but swollen body =(

How I am thinking whether I will look ok cos everything I wear these days doesn't seem ok. Also how I need crepe paper to wrap some presents but have yet to locate any. Even MPH in Pyramid doesn't have it. Should I raise this as a problem to MPH worldwide? God, sometimes I think I was right all along to think Subang Parade is the best place to shop for essentials.

I also think I need more time. The budget came out on Friday and I haven't got a chance to seriously sit down and scrutinise the damn thing! And I am suppose to be in this line, if you get my drift.

Oh, and Actors Studio is coming out with this new jokes session with people such as Joanne Kam, Harith Iskandar, etc in mid Oct and was so tempted to ask my usuals whether to go but decided I should just hold on and watch the cash outflow.

Then there was the whole sms conversation about a potential holiday at this much heard of lake in a small town but alas, that has its own barriers.

Shoot me, I think I'm going insane soon.

Well at this juncture, I've figured out what to wear. Now I shall attempt to read abit of the bible and then the Budget 2007 then shall retreat to slumber. Hopefully tomorrow will be an easier day for my mind.

Just for fun ...to unwind....

1. What is your full name?
Grace Eu Swee Leng

2. What colour trousers/skirt are you wearing?
Erm....actually not wearing any. Have a towel wrapped round me =P About to shower.

3. What are you listening to right now?
Just the sound of my fan and my fingers typing this entry.

4. What was the last thing you ate?
Creme Brulee at Equitorial Hotel.

5. Do you wish on stars? No.

6. If you were a crayon what colour would you be?
Pink?

7. How is the weather right now?
Room windows are closed so have no clue really.

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
Yoyo.

9. Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Well technically no one sent me this so not applicable.

10. How old are you today?
I'm 24 years old. Will be 25 years old on Nov 3rd =P

11. Favourite drink?
Chocolate Banana Milkshake. Oh, coconut milkshake as well. Truly exotic *-)

12. Favourite sport?
In my mind, it would be futsal and swimming.

13. Hair colour?
Dark brown with red highlights.

14. Siblings?
A younger but bigger and taller sister.

15. Favourite food?
Assorted stuff.

16. What was the last movie you watched?
She's the Man.

17. What was your favourite toy as a child?
Sophie and she sleeps beside me every night.

18. Summer or winter?
Summer!!!!

19. Hugs or kisses?
Hugs.

20. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate.

21. Do you want your friends to tag you back?
No.

22. Who is most likely to respond?
Don't really care actually.

23. Is there someone in your life that you really miss now?
I miss someone whom I cannot miss.

24. When was the last time you cried?
Yesterday, I think. Or was it the day before? Definitely last week la cos I watched the new Hindi movie.

25. What is under your bed?
Maybe dust.

26. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
Euying (Std 1 best friend till now). Li Ann (Form 1 best friend till now). Euying and I will celebrate 19 years of friendship whilst Li Ann and I will celebrate 12 years of friendship in Dec.

27. What did you do last night?
Went out dinner with family and a couple from church to celebrate mum's birthday.

28. Favourite smell?
Smell of the sea. If perfume, then "Pleasures" from Estee Lauder, "Happy Heart" from Clinique and "Ralph" from Ralph Lauren.

29. Favourite TV show?
CSI.

30. What are you afraid of?
Alot of things actually.

31. Plain, buttered, sugar or salted popcorn?
Don't like popcorn.

32. Favourite car?
BMW. Honda Civic. Peugeot 206.

33. Favourite Flower?
White lilies and sunflowers.

34. Number of keys on your key ring?
Car key then only one lor. House keys, then there is 3.

35. How many years at your current job?
Well technically I have always done audit so altogether 3 years. 1 year in Deloitte and 2 years in PwC.

36. Favourite day of the week?
Don't have a favourite day but probably either Sat or Sun.

37. What did you do on your last birthday?
Had a week long of birthday celebration. Took almost the whole week off and was blessed to have friends celebrate it with me. Practically every meal of the day was booked up with different groups of friends.

38. How many cities have you lived in?
Only PJ.

39. Do you make friends easily?
Depends on my mood.

40. How many people will you be tagging this to?
None.

Ok, got to hit the showers dy.

Do we look alike?

Taken at Bkt Tinggi.

Imagine falling in love with your best friend

I find it rather ironic that Su Ann would have this question in her latest entry. I was just thinking the same thing. Why was I thinking the same thing? Look, if I knew the reasons to everything that run through my head, I would be mentally dead by now. Already trying to figure the answers out to the current issues makes my brain pretty tired, imagine having to figure out the whys behind them as well.

Anyway, back to the question. Su Ann posted some pros and cons. But I think I'm more pro than con. Of course, we're all a little afraid that things would never go back to normality should one have dated their best friend and things not work out....but I sincerely believe that it may take time, but at the end of the day, whether the friendship can still last really is up to the 2 persons involved. Sometimes we hold back so much and not risk anything. It just doesnt make sense to me actually. I suppose if 2 persons are truly friends (as they claim to be), they would be able to discuss these things together. I mean isn't honesty really one of the key fundamentals in any solid friendship? It doesn't take 2 parties to like each other to cause a confusion in the friendship. What if one party has a thought that it might work? I think that is enough torture to the friendship and will definitely have some form of effects.

To me, the sticky situation arises is when the girl has the feelings but has no clue whether the guy has any at all. Ironic enough, this month's CLEO mag has an article about this and how does one test whether he has any interest in pursuing more than what the 2 already share. Didn't read the whole article. Was busy looking at pictures of clothes =P Amazing how this topic is so hot at the moment.

Back to the original sticky situation. I believe I am rather conservative when it comes to the whole guy girl thing. I don't believe in equal rights. I believe men were created to be and do certain things in life as that for women. So in the sense of a relationship, I always believe the guy should make the first move. So for women like me, erm....having feelings for your best friend isn't the most pleasant of life's experiences. Hmmmm.....in such a scenario, I would just discard any thought or feeling or any anything of that sort to imply such a thing away. I won't even entertain it. Cos there will be no happy end to it. Best to leave it till when the guy says something. And if he never does, at least I would have wasted my time waiting for someone who never appreciated me that way. And if he does, best to test him too cos God knows why he suddenly woke up one day having feelings for you, right?

There was another negative point about familiarity breeds contempt. Well, guess this is a sooner or later thing so better face it now than later. About the boring bit.....hahaha....well I suppose the reason why 2 persons can still maintain such a great friendship would signify they do have stuff to babble about so I am not worried a bit. Life is a never ending chat topic.

So what do you think? Ever fell in love with your best friend? Ever confessed to your best friend before and lived to regret it or actually felt relieved cos you finally had the guts to do it and had certainty? Tell me. I am curious.

Simple & Real Friends

A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you!

A possible conspiracy ....

Was just chatting with my sis on whether my life could possibly be a conspiracy against me? I cannot help but feel like there will always be something more required of me. If I excel in my career, and 365 is ok, my love life fails. If my love life goes great, parents randomly think I should fish more. If I pour alot of my time in 365, something else might give. At some point in time in the last few years, I did manage to balance it all. At least I perceived it as I did. Then there are friends. Friends who matter to me that I would love to see more of but tell me, I have only 24 hours a day. Already lack of sleep. Already feel like my back is breaking. Already been told that I have a swollen body and need to watch it. Already been advised to get another scan. I'm thinking to myself, "God, are You testing me? But why, Lord? Why test me?". There are many others who are more "it". Again, at least this is how I perceive them to be. I see other leaders in my youth group who are more "popular" and others who seem to be more effective. I do ask myself....am I meant to be here? Is it worth it? Actually I am asking this question over just about every aspect of my life. Nope, I haven't got a clue to the answer. In my experience, in the absence of a concrete answer while waiting, I just need to continue to be faithful with what it given to me to do and hang in there. So every day, every single day, every hour and every minute, despite trying to appear normal, my heart feels like it's being beaten. I am only wishing that it'll soon be over. But that is normally not the case. And sometimes having it over might not be ideal....cos it is said that it is not the destination that counts, but the journey, right? I know I am rambling a lot today. Tears are streaming down my eyes as I am typing this blog.

Look, I get it that I don't have a bad life. I get it. Truly do. I also understand that there are others who have it worst. I am not benchmarking my life against them. Not to anyone who has it better nor with anyone who has it worst. I am benchmarking myself against my own expectations of where and what and who I should be at this juncture of my life. I feel like I have failed in my own eyes. Or am going to fail. Or maybe fail is such a hard word. Maybe fall short.

I was thinking earlier on. How one of my friends told me that I am a good friend and understanding, the usual drill, etc. I just felt sadness wash over me. Realise that though I have friends for many occasions and some pretty deep friendships, at this moment, I am alone to face the storm (other than God la). And there has never been one person who can read me.

Perhaps this blod entry is reflective of what I am feeling now. Maybe tomorrow will be different. At least I am hoping it'll be. Going to sleep my anxiety and frustration away now.

Is there co-relation between acknowledgement and neglect?

Read the comment by anonymous in Meng Hong's blog. It is as follows:-

its strange how sometimes we only appreciate and acknowledge certain ppl in our lives, yet neglecting others who also care for us..

I was quite taken aback when I read the comment above. It is obvious that anonymous cares for Meng Hong and possibly has a tinge of jealousy there. I could be wrong. Or how else would that person come to the conclusion that by acknowledging one is a direct indication of neglect for another?

Anyway, it did get me thinking. Do I feel that way at times? Do I feel that when a good friend of mine acknowledges someone else, do I feel neglected? Guess to be truthful, yes, I would to. But I would also question myself. I mean there have been times when I have cared for certain people like perhaps 80% (just for example sake) but the other party only cares for me perhaps 10%. Sometimes we perceive the level of our friendships are mutual but often times they are not. It happens. And sometimes we don't realise that we care for a particular someone till we lose them. Or sometimes we don't realise the people we consider as friends are not quite who we thought they were. I mean there are many scenarios that can take place.

However, I won't conclude so easily that the acknowledgement of one friend is the neglect of another unless perhaps the two parties involved are enemies or not good terms. What do you think?

Dedicated to my brothers

The formal family pics.....from when we first decided we needed to take pics....back to when Mince Beef was in Aussie and came back for hols only till now.

Our carefree years

Chilling @ my place

Mince Beef's Bday

My 24th Birthday

Church's 25th Anniversary

@ Honey Bee

Hot as usual =P

The family originated when one by one these boys called me "tai kah che". Well, decided to merge and tada, behold the family. Strangely enough no one ever believes in platonic relationships but we seem to hit it off pretty well. And we have the whackiest time together really.

Min Ser, the engineer attached with Petronas Malaysia is a our Mr.Perfect. Perfect in that he is superbly talented and brilliant. Possibly the smartest of us all in terms of brainy cells. His greatest trait is possibly his willingness to serve others. The gentleman at all times.

Kah Mun (better known as Kenneth to others) is a medical student. At this very minute, he's probably talking to some mentally ill patient as he is doing his training at the physiatric ward. He owes me a swimming pool if not a river in some foreign land, if he chooses to do missions. I talk the most serious of stuff with him as by nature he is rather serious. He is also my vice in 365 so we have a lot in common. His greatest trait in my opinion is his trustworthiness. Totally dependable and reliable at all times.

Meng Yoe, whom I nic Yoyo, is the closest to me, by geographical sense as well since he lives like 5 minutes away from me. He has always been the guardian angel of my well being. For many years, he has called me literally every day checking on me. He is my chaffeur when I am either carless or in no mood to drive. My food buyer when I am either lazy or sick. My companion in clinics when I am looking like shit and about to consider writing my will. My "Thelma" when I am in need of a listening ear. My censorship board in terms of guys to date or not to date. My saviour when I can't say no to a guy that I don't want to go out with. His greatest trait is being himself. Sweet and obnoxious at the same time.

Joshua, or known to me as Joshy, is one of the most interesting persons you can ever meet on planet earth. He is our source of joy and laughter whenever we go out. He is the youngest of us all. He is the only brother who hugs me EVERY week when I see him in church. Love him for always giving me hugs cos it makes me feel loved. His greatest trait is his ability to be happy and talk endlessly about almost anything and everything.

As a family and as inidividual friends to each other, we have been through a lot of ups and downs. Some petty stuff. Some major crises. But I am always grateful for them in my life. Without them, I would say my life would be incomplete. To have known them and to have them part of my life has been and continues to be a blessing.

The uncertainty of life continues...

I received confirmation at 2:36 am on Sat that Xyratex is no longer required to perform the S404 audit on the 2005 financial year as the US Registrant came out with this new ruling that certain entities were exempted. Hmmmm.....to say that the ups and downs of this pending assignment has truly been a living torture for me. You know how I hate the uncertainty in such matters. Makes planning for anything a tough task.

Anyway, I had a choice this morning to either tell Kak Nita (my administrator) that I am no longer required to do Xyratex or start sourcing for assignments. Guess which option I chose? You're right. Anyway, I didn't want to do any ordinary audit. Craving for some new challenge. Thank God for nice managers. The first manager I approached decided to let me do something which I have no experience in. Possibly a good learning experience. And the other blessing in disguise, I can possibly to it with a good friend of mine, Kah Leng. Sweet, isn't he?

Looking forward to a relaxing week. Had a blast yesterday. Church was as usual in the morning. Had breakie with my team member, Jess. Hilarious really? Cos she was asking hypothetical questions e.g. if i were married, a mum of 2 kids, one in secondary school, the other in primary, and a housewife, what would i do? Would I clean the house every day? Or what? Amusing, really. Cos I think I can actually be a houswife but have yet to find a single friend of mine to agree with me. ALL have said a definite NO. Goodness, why can't people believe that I can be anything I choose to be?

And then there was church. Was inspired by the sermon. Like my life really is full of shit sometimes. I run about doing a lot of stuff. It truly depicts this stage of my life which I can only term as "empty". Strange really if you think about it. I spend a lot of time on my youth group and work. And yet I feel nothing. Of course, I am not discarding the fact that this empty feeling comes and goes at times. So what am I doing about it? Well, like in any state of lost and confusion, I just do what needs to be done whilst waiting for a breakthrough.

Had lunch with Minnie Sue, Su-Lyn and Jade. We practically drove round the Sunway commercial area 4 times looking for parking before we decided we will go to Medan for lunch. On our way to Medan, we thought it'll be better to eat at A&W, which was below standard from the time I was a kid. Then went back to snooze away =P

Later went to the Curve with Kah Leng. Had a blast sweating my pores away at the bazaar. Not sure why but I really like the bazaar but can't stand the parking.

Well, need to get back to work. Will blog again if some random interesting thought crosses my mind. Till then....

Jean Grey - my favourite superheroin

Origin
Jean Grey is born to Dr. John Grey and Elaine Grey. She has an older sister named Sara Grey, and they live in Annandale-on-Hudson, New York, where Dr. Grey works as a history professor at Bard College. Her father, mother, and sister are all humans but Jean is a mutant. Jean's powers first manifest at the age of ten, prematurely triggered when her best friend is hit by a car. As her friend lies dying, Jean instinctively links to her mind and the trauma of experiencing her friend's death nearly kills Jean as well, but instead leaves her in a coma.
Jean's parents seek the expertise of specialists to rouse her out of her catatonic state but only Professor Charles Xavier is able to help. Xavier realizes that Jean's young mind cannot yet cope with her abilities, so he telepathically blocks her access to them, allowing her powers to evolve at a more natural pace. Jean develops her telekinetic powers at the age of 13. As a teenager, Jean leaves her parents to attend Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters and, using the codename "Marvel Girl", becomes the first female X-Man.

Romance
Jean and Scott have a mutual crush, but neither is aware of the other's feelings and both are too shy to make a move. Jean once has a date with Angel, but insists on taking Scott along, which confuses and frustrates both men. When Jean leaves to pursue tertiary education at Metro College, it further widens the gap between Scott and Jean; however, Jean and Scott later admit they are in love with each other and date openly. Professor X seems to have some romantic feelings for Jean Grey in the beginning of the X-Men series, in the same issue Scott is first shown to have feelings for her. However, he believes that she could not care for him because he is a paraplegic. This storyline is soon abandoned, in favour of the one involving Jean and Scott.
Jean is also drawn to Logan, who falls in love with her. Most of the time Logan respects Jean's relationship, and the two share a deep friendship which, despite emotional and physical attraction, doesn't affect her feelings toward her husband. In Grant Morrison's New X-Men stories, Jean increasingly talks to Logan about her marital problems, and Logan tries to help the married couple reconcile, even convincing Jean to return to Scott when Scott has an affair with Emma Frost.

Phoenix
After Xavier recruits a new team of X-Men to help save the others from Krakoa, most senior members leave, including Jean. Scott feels that he belongs with the X-Men, and this upsets Jean. She remains in contact with the X-Men and becomes good friends with Ororo Munroe (Storm).
While Jean and Scott are having a romantic evening in Manhattan, they, Wolverine, and Banshee, are abducted by Sentinels. They are taken to an abandoned S.H.I.E.L.D. orbital platform under the command of the anti-mutant activist Steven Lang, who is plotting to unleash a new generation of Sentinels. The other X-Men rescue them. During the space station's destruction, the X-Men find that their shuttle has been damaged in an earlier fight with the Sentinels. The X-Men decide that someone must stay at the controls and pilot the ship, while everyone else remains in the shuttle's heavily-shielded life cell. Knowing no one else could survive long enough to pilot the shuttle to safety, Jean uses her telepathy to learn how to pilot the shuttle and her telekinesis to block the radiation as she pilots the ship back to Earth. Her telekinetic shields give way under the onslaught of the intense radiation. The strain of holding the solar radiation at bay with her powers destroys the psychic shields Xavier placed in her mind as a child. The shuttle crashes into a bay, and Jean emerges from the water, imbued with cosmic powers.
As Phoenix, Jean's psi-powers become stronger, and she manifests a fiery bird-shaped energy aura whenever she used her powers to their fullest extent.
In the "Dark Phoenix Saga", Mastermind tampers with Jean's mind, and she loses control of her powers and becomes the Dark Phoenix, attacking her friends and teammates and destroying a populated solar system's star. Jean regains her sanity long enough to commit suicide rather than risk becoming the Dark Phoenix again and killing anyone else.
In the original plot, Jean Grey survives, but editorial concerns led to a re-write of the ending of Uncanny X-Men issue #137. The original ending, as well as an explanation for the changes, was published in the one-shot Phoenix: The Untold Story. In the original ending, instead of turning into Phoenix again during the X-Men's battle with the Shi'ar Imperial Guard, Jean is overpowered and captured. Lilandra has Jean subjected to what amounts to a psychic lobotomy, leaving Jean without any of her telepathic or telekinetic powers. In the end, Jean is allowed to return to Earth with the rest of the X-Men, "cured" of the power and madness of Dark Phoenix. The one-shot also reveals the original splash page drawn for Uncanny X-Men #138, which shows Jean and Scott in a happier time, contrasted with the splash page actually published in issue #138 that shows Jean's funeral.
John Byrne, penciller on Uncanny X-Men, had strong feelings against how powerful Phoenix had become and worked with writer Chris Claremont to effectively remove Phoenix from the storyline, initially by removing her powers; however, Byrne's decision to have Dark Phoenix destroy an inhabited solar system in Uncanny X-Men #135 caused some consternation with the editors, who felt that since Jean had now become a mass murderer on a global scale, her "punishment" at the end of issue #137 was too light. As a result, the last chapter of issue #137 was completely rewritten with Phoenix's powers returning and escalating out of control, forcing her to end her own life rather than risk destroying any more worlds.

Return

The Avengers find a strange pod lying on the bottom of a bay, which they send to Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four. The pod cracks open and Jean emerges. Jean has no memories from the time she flew the shuttle until she hatched from the cocoon. Due to the Richards' technology, Jean is now without her telepathy, but her telekinesis is much more powerful. The former X-Men are contacted and she reunites with them.
During the time in which Jean is thought dead, Scott met a pilot named Madelyne Pryor. They marry and produce a son, Nathan Christopher Charles Summers. When Scott hears Jean is alive, he leaves Pryor. Shortly afterward, he joins Jean and the other founding X-Men to create X-Factor. He calls Madelyne to try to persuade her to come to New York. When he receives no answer, he assumes that his wife had left him. In truth, Mr. Sinister kidnapped Madelyne and Nathan. Mr. Sinister had created Madelyne from Jean Grey's DNA, believing the offspring of Jean Grey and Scott Summers would be a genetically superior mutant who possessed incredible powers.

Jean Grey versus her clone Madelyne Pryor. Art by Walter Simonson.
With her purpose fulfilled, Sinister turns Madelyne over to the Marauders. The X-Men rescue her and she joins them. Wanting to rescue her son from Mr. Sinister, Madelyne makes a pact with demons, and using her despair, the goblins make her their queen, driving her insane. Madelyne attempts to sacrifice Nathan in a ritual that will bring the demons of Limbo into the world. Madelyne dies in a climactic battle with Jean after she links their minds and wills herself to die -- hoping the link will kill Jean as well. It does not work, and Jean gains all the memories of both Madelyne and the Dark Phoenix.
Jean becomes a member of the X-Men's "Gold Team" led by Storm when X-Factor joins with Xavier. Jean is instrumental in saving Wolverine's life when Magneto rips the adamantium from his skeleton.Using her telekinesis, Jean holds Logan's body together and supports his healing factor. When her physical body dies in a Sentinel attack, Jean survives by transferring her psyche into the body of the comatose Emma Frost. While in Emma's body, Jean uses telekinesis, an ability that Emma never used. Jean is later restored to her original body with the help of Xavier and Forge.

Marriage
Jean proposes to Scott and they marry. During their honeymoon, they are taken into the future to raise Scott's son Nathan. After returning, Jeans resumes using the name Phoenix as an attempt to redeem both the entity and herself and to honour her time-traveling future daughter Rachel, who had been announced dead. During a battle with Apocalypse, Scott merges with the villain. Jean and Psylocke switch powers, and Jean adds Psylocke's telepathic powers to her own telepathy, as well as her shadow-teleporting, while Psylocke gets Jean's telekinesis. Jean begins to manifest fiery raptor effects as the physical manifestation of her powers. Jean learns that Cyclops is alive, and searches for him with her step-son Cable (Nathan). Jean uses her increased telepathic powers to separate Cyclops' and Apocalypse's spirits. Having her husband back helps Jean accept her role as host of the Phoenix Force and the telekinetic powers it recreates for her.

Jean walks in on Scott and Emma in bed. Art by Phil Jimenez.
A combination of Jean's duties as headmistress of the Xavier Institute, her re-emerging Phoenix powers, and Scott's temporary merger with Apocalypse drives a wedge between the couple. Jean attempts to rebuild the relationship, but Scott remains distant, refusing to sleep with her. Scott turns to Emma Frost, who takes advantage of Scott's emotional problems, which leads to a telepathic extra-marital affair. When confronted by Jean, Scott claims that they shared "only thoughts" and that he had done nothing wrong; Jean, however, disagrees and demands that Emma explain herself, but Emma only jeers and insults her. Enraged, Jean unleashes the Phoenix power on Emma, rifling through her memories and forcing her to confront the truth about herself.
Later, Wolverine and Phoenix are propelled towards the sun while on Asteroid M. About to die, Wolverine reluctantly stabs Phoenix so she will not have to die an agonizing death in the intense solar heat. Seconds before they collide with the sun, the Phoenix Force manifests within Jean, and she saves them both. She tells him that by killing her, he helped her release the "Phoenix Consciousness." Arriving on Earth, they encounter an imposter of Magneto who mortally injures Phoenix by transferring a large amount of electro-magnetic energy to her brain, inducing a "planetary-scale stroke." As Jean dies in Scott's arms, she tells him to live.

Here Comes Tomorrow
Scott Summers refusal of Emma Frost's offer to re-open Xavier's Institute creates a future timeline in which Hank McCoy re-opens the school. Under the pressure, he takes the drug "Kick", which is revealed to be the aerosol form of the villain Sublime, who possesses Hank McCoy and drives him insane. 150 years later, the near-immortal Beast tries to resurrect Phoenix and use her to destroy every lifeform on Earth, except for the creatures created by Sublime itself, only to be defeated by Jean. Phoenix then carries out her disinfection and absorbs the future universe into the "White Hot Room", a higher plane of reality with other Phoenix hosts. She wears a white variation of her Dark Phoenix outfit and is revealed to be the "White Phoenix of the Crown", the most complete state a Phoenix avatar can achieve. Jean reaches back in time and tells Scott to live. Instead of refusing Emma and leaving the institute, Scott chooses to be with Emma and keep the Xavier Institute alive.

Endsong
In the 2005 X-Men: Phoenix - Endsong limited series, the Shi'ar resurrect the Phoenix Force prematurely in hopes of destroying it while it is relatively weak. The Shi'ar reference Jean Grey as the Phoenix's Heart and hope to be rid of the Phoenix for good. The Phoenix manages to escape and flee to Earth where it needs a host to sustain itself. The entity resurrects Jean and bonds with her once more. Jean knows she should not be alive and that her resurrection is terribly wrong.
The Phoenix Force is mentally unbalanced from being brought out prematurely. Jean has a confrontation with Wolverine before the Shi'ar shoot a miniature black hole at the two, trying to dismiss the Phoenix forever. The Phoenix Force teleports Jean and Wolverine to the North Pole where Jean has regained some control over the Phoenix Force. She has Wolverine stab her several times, leaving the Phoenix Force weakened. Wolverine asks her whether she is Jean or the Phoenix, Jean responds "I am always Jean and always the Phoenix." Jean then plunges herself through the ice, freezing instantly.
The X-Men arrive at the North Pole in the Blackbird, where Wolverine tells them that "Jean is dead. Or as close as she can get." The Phoenix Force manifests independent of Jean's body and tries to seduce Cyclops into firing his optic blasts at it, to feed off of the raw solar energy. Cyclops is able to resist the Phoenix's seductions with the help of Emma Frost. Emma convinces the Phoenix Force to possess her to get Cyclops' optic blasts. Consumed by the Phoenix Force, Emma loses control and Cyclops is forced to free Jean from her icy entombment with an optic blast.
The revived Jean telepathically assaults the Phoenix Force and rips it from Emma. Jean confronts the Phoenix Force and the Force recognizes that Jean and the Phoenix are one and the same. The Phoenix exclaims "Jean! How are you doing this without me without my power?" Jean says "I am you don't you remember?" Phoenix says "Beacause you and I are one" The Force consumes Jean and the Phoenix begins to "burn away all that doesn't work ... kill them all." With the help of Cerebro, Emma and the Stepford Cuckoos contact all of the X-Men around the world to focus their love into Jean. Jean's costume turns white as she tearfully exclaims "my friends." As White Phoenix, she saves the team from a black hole event horizon created by the exploding Shi’ar ship. Before returning to the White Hot Room, Scott tells her to remember who she is. She asks Scott to remove his visor because she wants to see his eyes. Enveloped in his optic blast, she departs, giving Scott one last goodbye.

Endsong

At the conclusion of Endsong, one of the Stepford Cuckoos (Emma Frost's telepathic students) is shown to be in communion with a small "firefly" of the Phoenix Force. Recently it was announced that this cliffhanger will be addressed in the sequel: X-Men : Phoenix - Warsong. Available in September 2006, Greg Pak is returning as writer. He has said that Warsong "is not another Jean Grey resurrection story. It's an essential Phoenix story, and therefore ultimately an essential tale for understanding Jean Grey." Pak also stated that Warsong will lay the groundwork for the future of both Jean and the Phoenix.

Power and Abilities

Jean Grey is an Omega-level mutant,and one of the most powerful mutants in the universe, and the physical embodiment of the vastly powerful Phoenix Force. Jean Grey's dual psionic potential gives her nearly limitless mutant telepathy and telekinesis.
Phoenix is considered to be one of the Earth's most powerful telepathic minds, rivalling Professor X. Jean's telepathy allows her to communicate with others telepathically, read the thoughts of others, influence decisions, control minds, manipulate memories, cast her mind into the astral plane, or fire stunning "mental bolts" capable of knocking out or turning someone brain-dead. Jean is one of the few telepaths skilled enough to communicate with animals (animals with high intelligence, such as dolphins[20],dogs[21], and ravens[22]). She also has telekinesis of an unparalleled level, capable of grasping objects in Earth orbit and manipulating hundreds of components in mid-air in complex patterns. She can use her telekinesis to levitate objects, other people, or herself and project a telekinetic shield capable of withstanding missile blasts. She can also release devastating force blasts.
When Jean absorbs Psylocke's specialized telepathic powers, her own telepathy is increased so that she can physically manifest her telepathy as a psionic firebird whose claws can inflict both physical and mental damage. Jean can use this amplified telepathy to increase temporarily the speed of neural signals in brains and mutant's powers to incredible levels. She briefly develops a psychic shadow form like Psylocke's, a gold Phoenix emblem over her eye.
The Phoenix can revive, absorb, rechannel, and preserve any kind of lifeform, since the Phoenix is the sum of all lifeforce. The Phoenix powers boost Jean's psi-powers, allowing her to rearrange matter at a subatomic level, fly unaided through space, and create intense heat blasts by stimulating molecular activity. She manifests a "telekinetic sensitivity" that lets her feel the texture of objects on which she has a telekinetic hold, feel when other objects come into contact with them, and probe them at a molecular level. When she engages her Phoenix powers, Jean is surrounded in a flame-like energy corona that takes the form of a large bird of fire. As the Phoenix, Jean can resurrect herself after death.
Jean learns that she is the "White Phoenix of the Crown" and as such has the power to manipulate limitless amounts and forms of energy at magnitudes limited only by her imagination, to control and repair entire timelines, and to travel to other dimensions and timelines by creating portals between realities. In What If? The X-Men Xavier reveals that Phoenix's mind resonates across the multiverse and may be a nexus of realities, similar to the M'Kraan Crystal.