Was just chatting with my sis on whether my life could possibly be a conspiracy against me? I cannot help but feel like there will always be something more required of me. If I excel in my career, and 365 is ok, my love life fails. If my love life goes great, parents randomly think I should fish more. If I pour alot of my time in 365, something else might give. At some point in time in the last few years, I did manage to balance it all. At least I perceived it as I did. Then there are friends. Friends who matter to me that I would love to see more of but tell me, I have only 24 hours a day. Already lack of sleep. Already feel like my back is breaking. Already been told that I have a swollen body and need to watch it. Already been advised to get another scan. I'm thinking to myself, "God, are You testing me? But why, Lord? Why test me?". There are many others who are more "it". Again, at least this is how I perceive them to be. I see other leaders in my youth group who are more "popular" and others who seem to be more effective. I do ask myself....am I meant to be here? Is it worth it? Actually I am asking this question over just about every aspect of my life. Nope, I haven't got a clue to the answer. In my experience, in the absence of a concrete answer while waiting, I just need to continue to be faithful with what it given to me to do and hang in there. So every day, every single day, every hour and every minute, despite trying to appear normal, my heart feels like it's being beaten. I am only wishing that it'll soon be over. But that is normally not the case. And sometimes having it over might not be ideal....cos it is said that it is not the destination that counts, but the journey, right? I know I am rambling a lot today. Tears are streaming down my eyes as I am typing this blog.
Look, I get it that I don't have a bad life. I get it. Truly do. I also understand that there are others who have it worst. I am not benchmarking my life against them. Not to anyone who has it better nor with anyone who has it worst. I am benchmarking myself against my own expectations of where and what and who I should be at this juncture of my life. I feel like I have failed in my own eyes. Or am going to fail. Or maybe fail is such a hard word. Maybe fall short.
I was thinking earlier on. How one of my friends told me that I am a good friend and understanding, the usual drill, etc. I just felt sadness wash over me. Realise that though I have friends for many occasions and some pretty deep friendships, at this moment, I am alone to face the storm (other than God la). And there has never been one person who can read me.
Perhaps this blod entry is reflective of what I am feeling now. Maybe tomorrow will be different. At least I am hoping it'll be. Going to sleep my anxiety and frustration away now.
Look, I get it that I don't have a bad life. I get it. Truly do. I also understand that there are others who have it worst. I am not benchmarking my life against them. Not to anyone who has it better nor with anyone who has it worst. I am benchmarking myself against my own expectations of where and what and who I should be at this juncture of my life. I feel like I have failed in my own eyes. Or am going to fail. Or maybe fail is such a hard word. Maybe fall short.
I was thinking earlier on. How one of my friends told me that I am a good friend and understanding, the usual drill, etc. I just felt sadness wash over me. Realise that though I have friends for many occasions and some pretty deep friendships, at this moment, I am alone to face the storm (other than God la). And there has never been one person who can read me.
Perhaps this blod entry is reflective of what I am feeling now. Maybe tomorrow will be different. At least I am hoping it'll be. Going to sleep my anxiety and frustration away now.
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