Where is my heart?

It has been many, many years. And I can't remember the last time I had the time nor the peace to re-evaluate who I really was. The funny thing is technically speaking when those around looked at me, they saw a girl that was passionate and went all out to achieve much. The ironic thing is whilst I was serving others, whilst I was working hard, whilst I was trying to find a sense of balance, it was when it finally hit me that I had lost myself and what truly mattered to me.

I had been a cell leader for 11 years and a youth worker for more than that. I had what church leaders would call as "moving forward" yet from where I am standing now, I realised I cared less and less cos I was so focused on the task at hand, the next outreach event, the committee runnings, the next outreach lunch, my exams, then came my audit deadlines, and the list goes on and on.

It was also this time I had this question which I'd asked myself whether it mattered to me if today I was not chairman, if I were not a cell leader, if I were not in everything which someone else dictated as important, would I still serve, would I still care when the world did not see it? Would Meng Yoe, or Kenneth, or Josh still be my brothers/ good friends if I were not all these? Would I be loved any less? Would I be more of myself? Would God be pleased with me? Tons of questions running through my head in the last 8 months prior and throughout the time I had stepped down.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that one should not serve in a capacity, or one should not be a cell leader but more than the position, personally for me, there were all these questions running through my mind and I desperately wanted to know the answer for my own sanity and to face the truth.

Many have been answered and the testimony of God's goodness in my life is something I hold very dear. I guess this time of stepping back was a good break from the usual hustle and bustle. It has also been a very faith challenging time and a pride breaking process.

I am grateful that God had given me the chance to step back to re-align myself with His purposes. This year I've spend more time to with some of my closest friends eg Pritam, Li-Ann (pre wedding times....we seriously need to catch up), had time to run around and do the things people should do visit the sick, teach those who require help, attend friends' loved ones funeral, talk to my grandma, do grocery shopping, share the gospel, be there for friends' on the important times and most of all, to find myself again. To remember that the things that should matter in life do matter -integrity, love, passion, and Jesus.

"Purpose serves as a principle around which to organize our lives." - Anonymous.

"Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds." - George Elliot.

"We were not sent into this world to do anything into which we can not put our heart." - John Ruskin.

May we always have the "heart" element in the things we do.